I can’t believe that it was my 23rd birthday when I finally hosted a party after going without celebration for 12 years. It feels like a decade has gone by in the year since that party at Raine’s Law Room. I turn 24 in 10 days.

I’ve spent a few days attempting to piece together what actually happened this past year, to moderate success. In 2024 I learned to be a little kinder, warmer to strangers, a little more patient with myself, and just a bit more courageous. (You know it’s been a tough year when someone says they learned patience, understanding, or forgiveness.) This year I learned to fear death. I felt for the first time this year, stuck in a tree well with noone around, the fire within that refuses to go out and I understood the simultaneous beauty and cruelty of being alive. This year was not the first year I experienced heartbreak, but it was the first time I allowed myself to fully experience the breath-taking debilitating shock of a broken heart. And I will never forget how it felt, in the weeks prior, to melt into the timeless embrace of a woman, beckoned by her soft voice, enveloped in her otherwordly beauty, sharing a shy smile of acknowledgement and exhaustion. That’s all gone now; aspect of Aphrodite no longer around. I only regret that I do not have any photos or letters to evidence these memories. Only my memories, and one day those will be gone too.

The start of this year has already overwhelmed me. Demons once vanquished reared their heads once again and I fell backwards, ashamed, as if I had made no progress after all this time. I wished for another dinner where we could share a bottle of wine and we’d laugh about silly stories, for another evening walk trying to warm up your hands with mine. And in the depths of my fear that I would never find such light playful joy again I noticed that part of me was gone. Ahead of me, not yet too far, I saw myself walking away, moving forwards. Calling after him only to realize that he has already taken flight and will only continue to build momentum.

So I leap forwards, letting go of your hand.