new york, old me

Oct 06, 2022

I’ve been in new york for almost 3 months now, working for the past 1.5. In the perfect storm of work hours and picking up hobbies, my life is now more similar to high school than it has been, well, since high school. At first I thought this was pretty good because I had “rederived” the principles my parents once pushed upon me that were actually healthy for me. I’m drinking less coffee. I exercise more. I practice piano regularly. I read regularly.

Like high school, I have friends that I see from 8:30 to 4:30 Monday through Friday, and like high school, I’m so lonely. And this loneliness chips away at my disciplined routine. Did I really grow as a person through college or did I just put on a facade for 4 years?

I chose to come to new york for work because of one reason: to reconnect with old friends from before college. That’s the honest answer. I’ve told many others that I came here because there’s a lot to do in the city and because most of the people I knew are here, and those aren’t lies at all, but they were never the complete truth. Only now have I begun to ask myself what is it about that old life that I wanted to relive from seeing these people again? What is it that I missed about them?

I think about these old friends quite frequently. I really really want to be friends with them again; to spend time together sharing the belief that this world is still ours and that we can achieve whatever we want. Are we all too busy with our jobs to live like that now?

There is so much to do in new york but how are we ever supposed to find the time? If you were to text me at 6 PM Thursday inviting me to dinner, I would happily drop what I was doing and join you. Why don’t you?

I really like new york, though

I love walking to work. That kind of commute is something I never could’ve had in high school. I love seeing so many different people and I wish that I had the courage to speak to more of them. I saw an old friend (call her A) for dinner today and as we were walking back to her place she said hi to the men in the parking garage, the cashier at the deli, and the homeless people outside the 7/11 on her street – and they all said Hi A, how you doing?

I love the Hudson Yards skyline that greets me each day when I walk home from work. Psychoanalyze this all you want, that skyline is a dream to me. One day that skyline will be mine to claim.

I want to say more about this, but I’m too busy stumbling over my words to finish this confession.

reborn out of the greenwich ave equinox

Yea I went swimming in that saltwater pool and felt like a new person. I play it off as cool and San-Diegan but combined with my poker hand history this points to my really being a fish. maybe, just maybe, I have prestiged. reset to level 1, but retaining the knowledge of my past experiences (and rewarded with a shiny new badge). This is a game I would play again.